I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas

I miss your laugh more than anything. I miss your smile. I miss your silly noises. I miss laying in bed and talking with you and being myself. I miss seeing you. I miss singing along in the car. I just really miss you. I didn't realize it'd be this hard to be away from you for this long. I'm really happy for you being away and doing what you are doing, but I'm excited for you to come home.

I was thinking of all the small things that make me happy yesterday:

Laughter, coffee shops, art, interesting people, good music, driving in the afternoon on a country road listening to Balance Problems, movies, a smile, seeing humour in someone's eye, a story, a good book, a friend who never fails to entertain, a wink, a hug, a touch, holding hands, singing Ohio is for Lovers with Ryan every time we drive somewhere, people who really care for each other (especially if they don't know them), a compliment, knowing people actually care when I'm upset or hurting, finding out I'm worth something, reading a secret and being able to identify with it, knowing God is watching over me, knowing that one day I will find love, but for now I need to find myself.

I can't believe how bad today was. I hated almost every minute of it. Not only are both of my jobs making my life miserable, my supervisor is a dumbass and I want to get him demoted. He likes to brag about his position knowing I want it and it should have been mine. Plus, work is cutting my hours even though I desperately need them. My anxiety was so bad today that anytime something happened, I got a customer, or thought of something else in my life that isn't very good I wanted to crawl into a ball and start sobbing. I still have this feeling. The only good thing about today was listening to Matt rap about how he hated Diane and Sameer beat boxing for him. Also, going over to the house and watching Star Fighters and seeing friends helped, but I felt like a was being a bitch. I just couldn't help it today. I've never had so much hate in me. Normally, it lasts a second. Today I feel it's not going to go away. Not at least until everything gets better. Debts out of the way, work scheduling settled, and money for school.

Sameer and Kayte were talking about moving in in a couple of weeks and I'm terribly jealous. I'm very upset I'm not leaving now. That's what I think I need more than anything and it's so disappointing. 

Somehow I feel this was all coming. All the shit I've done had to lead up to something. Here it is. But, I'm just not ready or capable of handling it. I'm not.