I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas

I miss your laugh more than anything. I miss your smile. I miss your silly noises. I miss laying in bed and talking with you and being myself. I miss seeing you. I miss singing along in the car. I just really miss you. I didn't realize it'd be this hard to be away from you for this long. I'm really happy for you being away and doing what you are doing, but I'm excited for you to come home.

I was thinking of all the small things that make me happy yesterday:

Laughter, coffee shops, art, interesting people, good music, driving in the afternoon on a country road listening to Balance Problems, movies, a smile, seeing humour in someone's eye, a story, a good book, a friend who never fails to entertain, a wink, a hug, a touch, holding hands, singing Ohio is for Lovers with Ryan every time we drive somewhere, people who really care for each other (especially if they don't know them), a compliment, knowing people actually care when I'm upset or hurting, finding out I'm worth something, reading a secret and being able to identify with it, knowing God is watching over me, knowing that one day I will find love, but for now I need to find myself.

I can't believe how bad today was. I hated almost every minute of it. Not only are both of my jobs making my life miserable, my supervisor is a dumbass and I want to get him demoted. He likes to brag about his position knowing I want it and it should have been mine. Plus, work is cutting my hours even though I desperately need them. My anxiety was so bad today that anytime something happened, I got a customer, or thought of something else in my life that isn't very good I wanted to crawl into a ball and start sobbing. I still have this feeling. The only good thing about today was listening to Matt rap about how he hated Diane and Sameer beat boxing for him. Also, going over to the house and watching Star Fighters and seeing friends helped, but I felt like a was being a bitch. I just couldn't help it today. I've never had so much hate in me. Normally, it lasts a second. Today I feel it's not going to go away. Not at least until everything gets better. Debts out of the way, work scheduling settled, and money for school.

Sameer and Kayte were talking about moving in in a couple of weeks and I'm terribly jealous. I'm very upset I'm not leaving now. That's what I think I need more than anything and it's so disappointing. 

Somehow I feel this was all coming. All the shit I've done had to lead up to something. Here it is. But, I'm just not ready or capable of handling it. I'm not.

The sheer amount of loneliness I've begun to feel lately is suffocating me.

I feel like I'm being outshined by everyone. My sister is becoming involved in the community theatre, dancing, doing cheerleading, piano lessons.. What am I doing? Nothing. I'm working two jobs and hating every minute of it. I remember when that used to be me. Involved in everything and feeling like I was actually accomplishing something. Now I feel like I'm failing. I want to be doing something with my life. I'm sick of being ignored. At this moment, it's just not possible. I can't leave for Chicago until January. It's the best decision, but I hate it. I don't want to be here for five more months. I want to meet new, interesting people. I want to learn and dance and live. I'm sick of doing absolutely nothing. 

I feel empty.

Today I asked Joey if we were to be just friends and how I told him how complicated our relationship was. Of course, he didn't answer. It's just like him to ignore topics that need to be said. I don't mind, us not being together I mean. I realize it's for the better. But, he needs to say it instead of ignoring it like usual. I can only handle topics being ignored for so long. I guess I like making things more awkward than need be.

Cassie and I discussed the "future." She's terrified. She doesn't want to get bored and hate her job or get stuck in a city she doesn't want to stay in. I, on the other hand, am fine with not knowing what is to come. I'm fine with the possible outcome of being "unsuccessful" in life.. whatever that means. I believe success means something different to each person. For instance, Cassie. Making someone happy by entertaining them in a play. Whether she has a small or large role is not the case. She accomplished her goal and that is a success. I don't want my successes to be defined by how much money I make or if I have a family by the time I'm thirty. 

Silver lining to every cloud.

After reading this, it really hit home. How I thought I was over you. But, I still can't have that little hope that it will happen. 

Recently, I got scammed out of all of my game system stuff plus $300. I'm an idiot, but I know I'm not the only one. My grandma helped me out a lot. She's seriously one of the few people I can talk to about everything. I'm very thankful to have her. Mom is mad at me like usual. Family life kind of sucks right now. But, even after everything that has happened recently I still feel happy. I know I could be way worse off. I'm very lucky to have the people and things in my life that I do. I really feel blessed and I appreciate everyone I have.  Plus, I have a job interview at Steak N Shake tomorrow. Lame, I know but the extra money will help.

Jeff, I miss you. A lot.

I am ready to be different.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" -Mary Anne Radmacher

It's interesting being home again. I've gotten so used to being on my own this past month. I've experienced quite a bit and I've grown. I've become more open, or so it seems. I've seen enough nakedness to last a lifetime. Now that I'm home I feel a bit lonely. I always had someone to enjoy my time with when I was living in the house, now it's just my family. Not saying they don't keep me company, but it's not the same. I miss it. But, I know saving money is more important. 

While I was researching Columbia, I've discovered that they actually have a dance teaching/choreographing major. That's what I originally planned on while attending Western, but they didn't have it. I stopped dancing for reasons I don't even know. Now, I'm trying to get back into it. It's the only thing that I'm really passionate about. Going to Columbia I feel will be good for me. I need to be around others that have the same interests as me and Columbia is the perfect place. I will motivate myself and try hard.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty. One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered.” 
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince